Barbara

(Part 1) Barbara couldn't wait to get home and let her hair down—literally. This job was really cramping her style. She was young and single and tired of sitting in her well-furnished office all day long, tired of staring at the original Matisse on the wall, tired of the boring 10% raises every year. Yawn! It was Friday, and she wanted to get out of her rut and do something exciting! Her boss Phyllis was a real slave-driver, even making her wear her hair in the same spinster-style bun. Well, she was no spinster like Phyllis! Andrew from the typesetting department was coming by her house tonight on his motorcycle, and they were going to take a long ride up to Bear Mountain together. He was going to explain the book making process to her, and she was going to pretend to be interested. If all went well, they would camp out under the stars. But first, she had to ward off the advances of that lothario Martin, who was waiting in her office when she got back. Not to mention that Italian guy Lorenzo, who called her his little "braciole," whatever that meant. Another negative about the hair bun: for some reason older men found it irresistibly attractive. Funny, it didn't work that way for Phyllis.

(Part 2) Martin was staring at the Matisse painting when Barbara entered her office. "How much do you think that's worth?" he asked. She shrugged. "Doesn't matter, they'll never sell it anyway." "I should invest in some art," he said. Then, "You look beautiful with your hair up." "Thanks," Barbara said, "Maybe you can get your wife to put her hair up too." "Ooh, I love your sassiness!" "What do you want, Martin?" He moved toward her. "I want you!" he said, taking her in his arms, trying to plant a kiss on her lips. She grabbed a Reader's Digest condensed book from her desk and clonked him on the head. He fell to the floor, dazed. "Be glad it was condensed and not unabridged!" she said. "And my boyfriend might have something to say about this, too!" "You mean that turkey from typesetting? I can buy and sell that guy." "What does that even mean?" Just then, Andrew walked in. Martin was slightly frightened of Andrew, with his motorcycle, tattoos, ducktail haircut, and bad boy reputation—exactly everything that Barbara found attractive. Andrew saw Martin on the floor and asked, "What's going on here?" Andrew knew all about Martin—the affairs, the money his wife inherited, the suspicious death of his father-in-law. Andrew was slightly frightened of Martin. Martin hopped to his feet and said, "After work, the Rotunda, five o'clock. You and me, we're going to fight for the hand of this beautiful woman! Be there!" With that, he ran from the room. Andrew looked at Barbara. "Something I should know?" he asked. "Yeah, he's crazy. Pick me up at seven for that ride to Bear Mountain." "Okay," Andrew said, smiling. That would leave him time to settle this business with Martin, whatever the business actually was...

(Part 3) 5 o'clock high. Andrew walked Barbara to her car, then went over, alone, to the Rotunda, with butterflies in his stomach. He stood there and waited, arms crossed across his chest. Martin, though the fight was his idea, was running late due to an extra steamy tryst with Ethel in the library. Workers began to stream from the building, another successful day of publishing in the books. Andrew checked his watch. At 5:10, Martin came skulking out. He stopped in front of Andrew and struck an old-time boxer's pose, fists held high in front of him. Andrew put up his dukes, too. "I can buy and sell you!" Martin shouted. "I can kick your butt!" Andrew yelled. The exiting workers paused to watch what was happening. Some primal blood lust was aroused in the normally bookworm-ish, educated people. They began to chant, "Fight, fight, FIGHT!!" Martin, though his hands were high, kicked out a leg, trying for a crotch shot. Andrew barely got out of the way in time, then countered with a left to Martin's stomach. The wind was knocked out of him, and his cheeks puffed out. With Martin bent over, clutching his stomach, Andrew went in for the kill. He grabbed Martin in a headlock, spun him around, and gave him what has come to be known as the "Ultimate Wedgie." Local legend has it that—if all the atmospheric conditions are right—you can still hear Martin's wail on the RD grounds. Andrew dusted off his hands, slicked back his ducktail, and said, "You've just been bought AND sold, sucker!" With that he walked off, hopped on his motorcycle, and got ready to pick up Barbara for their big date. In his pocket was an engagement ring, and he was planning on popping the question that night...

(Part 4) Barbara let down her hair and fluffed it up to get that nice, big look. She reapplied her lipstick—Passion Red—and made kissy faces in the mirror. She couldn't wait till her bad boy, rebel of a boyfriend got there. He had four tattoos, but she had only seen three. The fourth one she would see on their wedding night, he promised. Not that they were engaged or anything yet. At seven o'clock on the dot, she heard an engine revving outside. She looked out her window and saw Andrew sitting on his motorcycle. He waved to her and she said goodbye to her cat, Peggy (short for Pegasus), and ran outside. She hopped on the back of his bike, and they zoomed away, wind in their hair. Andrew hoped NY would never pass that helmet law like some people were campaigning for. She held on tight as he rode up the long, winding, scenic road that led to the top of Bear Mountain. He stopped and they got off the bike, at a point where they could see the skyline of Manhattan off in the distance. "I have a surprise," he said. He went behind a tree and came out dragging a cooler and camping supplies that he had hid earlier. Then they set up the tent away from the road for privacy, and because it was illegal to camp on Bear Mountain. When it got dark, Andrew started a small campfire—he eschewed all rules— and they cooked burgers and had some beer. When the moment was right, he got down on one knee, pulled the ring from his pocket, and...Martin popped out of the bushes, wielding a—

(Part 5) —torn piece of elastic, ripped from his underwear earlier, during the "Ultimate Wedgie" incident. Martin held the elastic tight, and moved toward Andrew—walking somewhat bow-legged—as if to strangle him. Andrew jumped up. "Drop that weapon!" he shouted. "Never! I seek my revenge, and the hand of Barbara in marriage!" Barbara said, "Who are you again?" Martin sprang, and got the elastic band around Andrew's neck. Andrew wrestled him to the ground, and they began to roll dangerously toward the cliff's edge. Just then, Lorenzo jumped out of a different bush. "I'll save you, my little braciole!" he shouted to Barbara. "Uh, he's the one being attacked," Barbara said, pointing to her rebellious boyfriend, who she just knew would be triumphant. "Well then, I will defend your honor!" Lorenzo shouted, and threw himself into the fray. Barbara rolled her eyes and thought, What is it with these guys? All three men were rolling around in the dark, out of the glow of the campfire. Barbara waited anxiously, but then suddenly Andrew was standing beside her. "Hello. I figured I'd just let THEM fight it out. They don't even know I'm gone." Barbara and Andrew heard scraping, muffled curses, then finally a yelp and a crash, as the two struggling men slid over the edge of the mountain and disappeared into the night. Then all was silent. "So," Barbara said, "weren't you about to ask me something before we were interrupted?"

(Part 6) Dawn broke to the sound of Thwap thwap thwap!, awakening the newly engaged couple. A helicopter lifted dramatically over the edge of the cliff side. Stu and his new bride Jessica were in his Copter #3, circling over Barbara and Andrew. Lorenzo and Martin were hanging from the runners. Not only had they survived the night clinging to the same tree branch, but they had bonded, telling each other all their hopes and dreams, really getting in touch with their innermost feelings. All Martin ever wanted was for someone to understand him. The only thing Martin left out was the afternoon trysts he had been having with Lorenzo's wife, Ethel. Those, he decided, would have to come to an end, now that he and Lorenzo were BFFs. Andrew and Barbara turned and watched the copter fly south toward RD. Something had fluttered down from the copter, and Andrew went over to see what it was. "Look," he said, holding it up, "it's the elastic from his underwear. The would-be murder weapon!" "Ew, gross," Barbara said. Andrew took this as a sign of apology, that everything was now copacetic between him and Martin. When the copter was totally out of sight, Andrew said, "Come on, my fiance, let's go get some breakfast! We'll come back and pack up camp later." "Okay, I'm famished!" Barbara said, who didn't know it yet, but was now eating for two. Yes, she had seen the fourth tattoo. It was a ——. They hopped onto the motorcycle and sped away to the Peekskill Diner. Barbara held on tight. It was daybreak on Saturday, the whole weekend still ahead of her—RD, Phyllis, and work the farthest thing from her mind.