Horace and William

(Part 1) The Wallaces had given everyone the day off for the annual company outing. The buses had all arrived, and the workers were heading out for a day of fun at Rye Playland. Brenda and Hilda had been preparing for weeks, trying (somewhat successfully) to get into bikini shape, since there was also a beach besides rides at Playland. They had their eyes on Horace and William, respectively; hopefully those two fellas could pull themselves away from their job responsibilities long enough to join in on the fun. When Brenda and Hilda climbed on board their bus, BFFs Martin and Lorenzo were sitting up front. "Hello, ladies," Martin said. "Buon giorno," Lorenzo said. "Oh boy," Brenda whispered to Hilda, "this could be a long day." Meanwhile, commercial artists Horace and William were scrambling to meet their deadline, having come in at 7 a.m. just to get the mechanicals out to the printer via car service. Horace had his eye on Hilda, and William had his on Brenda, which, naturally, was the opposite of the women's interests. But they were making good progress in their work, and would make the bus in time; this knowledge made them slightly giddy. Klutzy Horace picked up his t-square and pretended it was an electric guitar. "Look, I'm Chuck Berry!" he said, and duck-walked backwards until he stumbled into his drafting table. "Look out!" Clumsy William shouted, as everything came crashing down: triangles, metal rulers, a bottle of rubber cement, ruling pens, pencils, erasers, and his X-Acto blade, which lodged itself into his thigh. William ran over to help and his foot hit the round rubber cement bottle, sending him flying backward, his head hitting the light table.

(Part 2) Horace grimaced as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. There was a spot of blood on his pants where the X-Acto blade had entered. "Here," he said, tossing the keys to William, "we'll take my car. You drive!" "Sweet!" William said. They got to the car--a convertible 1950 Chevy Bel Air, canary yellow--and hopped in without opening the doors, since the top was already down. "You know the way?" William asked. "Holy Pegasus! No! Do you?" Just then Andrew and Barbara pulled up alongside the Chevy on Andrew's motorcycle. "Follow me!" Andrew said. "Okay!" William said, putting the car in gear. "That guy is such a rebel," Horace said. Horace and William were slightly geeky, besides being clumsy. "Rebels always get the girls," William said. "Then we should do something rebellious," Horace said. Andrew sped off with a loud roar, William trying to keep up. Meanwhile on the bus, Brenda and Hilda sat in the back, and were looking out the rear window. "Maybe they'll still come," Brenda said. "Look, it's Andrew!" Hilda shouted. Andrew and Barbara zoomed by, Andrew giving the thumbs up on the way past. Back in the Chevy, William said, "Andrew drives too fast! He lost us!" Horace said, "Drive faster!" William said, Okay!" William gunned it, opening up all eight cylinders with a roar of pure internal combustion power, burning through that 21¢ gallon gasoline. Two minutes later a police cruiser pulled them over for speeding. "Is this rebellious enough for you?" William asked, sweating nervously as the cop approached. "I have an idea," Horace said...

(Part 3) Horace began to moan in pain. "What are you doing?" William asked. Horace said, "I'm playing up my injury. We can say we were rushing to the hospital." "Ahh!!" William screamed, freaked out that the cop was currently standing next to the car, gun drawn. "Out of the car now!" he yelled. "Hands on your head!" Horace and William did as they were told. Turns out Chevrolet sold a lot of canary yellow Bel Air convertibles in 1950, and one of them was used by two gentlemen to rob a bank in Bronxville, NY earlier that day. One of the robbers had been shot in the leg by a security guard before they made their getaway. The cop handcuffed Horace and William roughly, read them their rights, then held their heads down as he put them in the back of the cruiser. Horace still bumped his head. The cop got behind the steering wheel and looked at them in the mirror. "You boys are going to the big house for a LONG time." "What?!" William said. "We didn't mean to do it," Horace said. The cop continued, "Punks like you need to learn a hard lesson. You shoulda thought twice before breaking the law." William was nearly in tears now. "It was my fault, officer. Let Horace go!" "Tell it to the judge, punk." The cop flicked on the lights and siren and sped off, speaking to headquarters on his radio as he drove. "I got the two pukes. ETA three minutes. Get the cell ready. Call the feds." "THE FEDS?!" Horace and William shouted in unison. The officer made eye contact with them in the mirror again. "You pukes have the right to remain silent. I suggest you use it." I should have never pretended to be Chuck Berry, Horace thought. We'd be on the bus with the girls right now...

(Part 4) While Horace and William were brought downtown, booked and fingerprinted, Lorenzo and Martin went to the back of the bus to say hello to the girls. Lorenzo was solo today, his wife much too pregnant with their son Hank (who would one day grow up to hide ten thousand dollars within the walls of RD) to attend. "Hello my little bracioles," Lorenzo said. Martin asked, "Mind if we join you back here?" The girls rolled their eyes. Meanwhile at the police station, the cops had separated Horace and William, and were grilling them, hoping one of them would break and confess. "Whose idea was it to rob the bank?" an FBI agent asked. Horace said, "Rob a bank? We're not bank robbers, we're commercial artists!" "Yeah, sure. How'd your leg get injured?" "I got cut by an X-Acto blade!" "Okay," the fed said, "That's how you want to play it? Maybe I'll have more luck with your buddy." The fed went into the next room, shone a bright light into William's eyes. "Your puke friend just gave you up. Said the whole thing was your idea." "He did?" "That's right. You were the mastermind. He's ready to cut a deal. You're looking at 20 to life." "What?! For speeding?" The fed said, "Speeding? I don't care how fast you drive. This is for armed robbery, fella." "What the...?" William said, before fainting. Back in the other room, Horace was at his breaking point. He hadn't had food or water for nearly four hours, and he couldn't take the torture anymore. He was ready to confess, just so he could eat and use the toilet again. He was stupid for believing he could be a rebel like Andrew. When the fed came back in, he blurted out, "I confess. I did it! We're guilty!" He was on the floor groveling. "You can't send us to prison, I heard what goes on there!" Just then the arresting officer walked in. "Get off the ground, boy, we found the real criminals. Sorry for the inconvenience. I'll drive you back to your car."


(Part 5) On the Dragon Coaster at Playland, Brenda sat next to Martin, and Hilda was next to Lorenzo. The roller coaster ride had just begun, and they were on the slow climb to the top before the big drop. Martin took this opportunity to use the time-honored yawn trick to drape his arm over Brenda's shoulders. Brenda used the time-honored slap across the face to get him to remove his arm. Lorenzo was too terrified of the ride to do anything but pray silently. Back in the Chevy, Horace was driving now instead of William. The cop, feeling bad for arresting them, said they could follow him to Playland, since they didn't know the way. Horace kept his speed below the speed limit, driving like an old lady going to church on a Sunday morning with a carton of eggs on the passenger seat. The cop had to keep slowing down and waiting for them to catch up. Finally they arrived at their destination. From the top of the Dragon Coaster, the girls saw Horace and William arrive with a police escort. A moment later, the ride plunged into its drop, but Brenda's heart was racing because of Horace, not the ride. What were they doing with the police? She just LOVED bad boys! Horace had always seemed so nice. Maybe he had a wild streak in him after all. When the ride was over, Brenda grabbed Hilda by the hand. "Let's go," she said, "the boys are here!" They ditched Martin and Lorenzo and ran to where Horace and William were standing. The cop had just left. At the sight of Brenda waving and smiling at him, Horace immediately changed his allegiance. He now liked Brenda. She was SO hot! William took a good look at Hilda and realized she was probably more his type. Brenda said to Horace, "What happened to you two? We were afraid you wouldn't make it." Horace said, "Rebels like us, you know, the cops have their eye out for us. We're trouble and they know it." William said, "Spending time in the joint just goes with the territory." Brenda noticed Horace's bloody leg. "Oh, no, are you okay?" Horace looked down. "Oh, that? The cops got a little rough. You know how it is." "Actually, I don't," Brenda said, moving closer to Horace. William said, "My bruises are more mental. They try to break you psychologically too, you know." Hilda moved closer to William. Just then, real bad boy Andrew walked by with his arm around Barbara. Andrew's ducktail looked magnificent. He gave Horace and William the thumbs up, validating their bad boy persona in the eyes of Brenda and Hilda. "Come on, I have four tickets to the Tunnel of Love," Brenda said. "Great!" Horace said, but let's eat first. I'm starving!"